Stay with me;

I'm sorry. For everything.

2012-01-20T01:39:00.001-08:00

I just….. can’t do it anymore.
I can’t keep living like this.
I can’t keep living on the edge, knowing nothing is good enough for you.
Stop putting YOUR bad decisions, and your bad life choices on me. I’m sorry, I can’t do anything. I’m sorry you don’t have friends, and money, and everything you want but stop making me feel terrible because I do.
Stop making me feel guilty for living.
Stop making me feel useless.
I already do. I already feel worthless. I already feel like I’m no good for anyone. I already feel fat, and I know I need to lose weight. You make me feel like I’m just… pathetic.
You place all your problems on me, and for some ridiculous reason, I buy into them. You make me feel like your problems are MY fault.
And don’t you dare tell me I’m not sad about all of this aswell. Don’t you dare sit there and say I’m peachy, and I’m getting along fine.
If I was getting along fine, would I have tried to kill myself?
Oh, that’s right. You don’t know about that, do you? And I don’t plan to let you know. Because you’d just turn it around on you, like you always do.
I can’t fucking do this.
I’m sorry I’m not good enough for you.
I’m sorry I’m not good enough for anyone.
I’m sorry I’m a teenager, and I’m sorry I make mistakes. I’m sorry I’me.
And truly, I am sorry for being alive. If I could, that would be rectified.

-Untitled-

2011-09-30T02:42:00.001-07:00

I was pulled from an induced sleep by being thrown to the cold floor. I looked up and saw him. He was enraged today. Usually, I can get by through being hit a few times, but today he wasn't going to settle for that. I painfully gathered myself from the floor and my eyes re-adjusted. He was holding a knife, with blood... Kelly must be gone already. Staring at him coming toward me, the same fear I had when he had thrown me in his van two weeks ago, I could only think one thing... My teacher is a killer.

_____________________________________________________

100 words exactly!

I was challenged to write a story being 100 words, no more, no less. :)

If you can think of a title, I'd be grateful! :D

What if?

2011-09-09T04:16:00.000-07:00

So.... There's this guy, yeah?

I really, really, really, really like him. Probably more than I've ever liked someone. And he likes someone else.

And today, we got a description of that person.

A description, which according to my friends, fits me perfectly. Here's what he said.

-Blondey Brown Hair - Check.

-Unique eyes - I guess you could check.

-Sits in his area - Check

-Not judgmental - Not to anyone's faces... Check.

-Happy, smiling all the time - I personally think I'm depressed about 80% of the time, but I hide it really well, so.. check?

-He first notices her when she talks to people straight away as soon as she gets to school - Check.

He also called her beautiful, which is obviously his own interpretation, so it's not factored in. And, he hasn't figured out how much he likes her yet, but if she liked him back, he'd date her. Which is a big thing, considering he hates the whole 'dating' thing.

The problem is... I really, really, really, really want it to be me.

But, I really, really don't.

I'm so scared. I shouldn't think about it, because it's only getting my hopes up, probably just for them to be crushed, but I haven't stopped thinking about it; about him.

I've never been in a relationship before, I don't know what to do, or how to act.... I get nervous around boys as it is... I don't know what I would do.

I shouldn't be thinking like this, I'm suppose to be realistic.. there's plenty of other girls who fit that description, plenty of other girls who he talks to more than me..

I still keep thinking though, what if it is me?

But... What if it's not?

Change.

2011-08-05T00:15:00.000-07:00

You know what the weird thing is?
I'm actually beginning to feel.. good. I'm beginning to smile, and actually mean it. I'm beginning to laugh, and not force it. It feels.. well, good. But, I realized something.

I'm not one person. I'm many, many different people.
To begin with, I'm a totally different person around everyone. I act completely different around my friends from my current school to my friends from my old school. I'm a completely different person at home and at work. I'm just 4 completely different people, and the scary thing..

is I don't know what's me.
Even worse, I act different around myself. I'll go through phases where I'll look in the mirror and like what I see, and then I'll absolutely loathe it. I woke up feeling good today, and I don't know how long it will last, and I don't know why it came on but for once, I liked who I saw in the mirror. Yeah, I still have flaws. But, I have to stop complaining about them. For a starters, there's a few things that I can't change. And even though I'll never fully be happy with them, I'll live. But, everything else, I can change. My weight, my pimples, my confidence. That's all within me. And I now know that none of them are going to change overnight. But, they are 'fixable', and I'm determined but unlike the other times, where I've tried to lose weight for the boy, or where I've tried to clear my skin because someone's insulted me because of them, or where I've tried to magically be more confident to fit in with my friends, I'm doing it for me.. I think the problem was not with how I was doing it. It's to do with why I was doing it.

I've always, always tried to change for other people.

I need to change for me.

And I will.

And it's not going to happen overnight, but it will happen.

And I'm going to screw up, I'm going to feel like giving up, or pigging out.

And I will. But, I have to just keep going.
So, this post was kinda depressing, kinda inspiring.
I don't know who I am, and I don't know who to act like, but I am determined to find out.
For me.

The battle.

2011-07-18T03:06:00.000-07:00

Good and bad.

It's a battle that has been going on since the start of time, only recently have I realized that when I think about it, this battle occurs in more things than we're aware of.

A while ago, I was extremely upset one night and ran out of the house. After walking up and down my street a few times, I still couldn't go in, so I laid on my driveway, watching the clouds. This was the first time that 'Good and evil' really hit me. The night was beautiful, like a piece of black velvet sheathing the evil behind, but no, off to the side of me, dark clouds were forming in a small circle, almost like they were planning their attack. They then formed a defense wall, almost like soldiers. Meanwhile, the sky was still naive to the evil surrounding it, the velvet cover still as soft as anything. Patiently, I watched, waiting for evil to take over. Slowly but surely, the soldiers made their attack. Spreading ever so quietly, suffocating the velvet... isolating it, like it was the soldiers' prey.

By now, most of the sky was covered in a dark grey to blue quilt. It looked so heavy, like there was just nothing the Velvet could do. As it was saying it's last goodbyes, the soldiers paused, and there was an eery silence between the two. Then the two exchanged looks, and a silent truce was formed. The soldiers retreated, slowing manipulating themselves back into a small, quiet circle. The velvet could breathe again, and the stars were brightly visible, as they should be. For as long as I was out there, that was how it stayed. The dark, heavy soldiers stayed solemnly in their formation, while the velvet was free to do as it pleased. Peace was restored, and life went back to normal.

So, I'm not completely sure what the purpose was after all that. I think I just wanted to say that the good and evil lives in so many things, especially us. Everyone has an internal battle between Good and Evil, whether they let this battle be known to other people is a different question but the battle is there, and the two are fighting. Eventually one will win. One always wins.

Can you guess the winner that resides in my head?

Defeat.

2011-07-17T01:33:00.000-07:00

The war is over, and I've lost.

I'm admitting defeat. I've beaten me. I thought I was stronger, I was overconfident. I thought I had an amazing AK-47 or the best sniper in the world that could take me. Instead, I had one of those tacky little pistols that people use when they're learning how to shoot. I was an idiot to ever think that this war was able to be won, that I could come at stronger than well.. me.

You probably don't, but do you know that sinking feeling where you realize that it's over? That feeling that you get after finally admitting to yourself that you were wrong after denying it for so long? Yeah, I now know that feeling all to well.

Everything just kind of, well.. to continue with the war analogies, exploded. Ka Boom, Bang. Just like that. I had three Deep and Meaningful's with three people in the space of 24 hours, none of them actually solving anything and as they were all about different things, everything was on my mind. I'm actually usually pretty good at varying what I'm upset about, or what I'm thinking about. But, I guess I was just kind of buried alive with my problems, and after not finding a way out. I vented to my brothers friend, who is a completely different story, but let's not get into that. He made me feel like my problems were actually important to someone and he said that if he hadn't already booked his flights down to Melbourne to see his girlfriend, then he would drop everything, even her, and come and see me straight away. He then told me on the tarmac at Melbourne that he thought of me most of the flight, and that he wishes he could be with me. I kind of told him that I'll be fine and quote 'I won't kill myself, yet. But I can say that I'm at that point where if I ever took it that far, I wouldn't care,' and that ' If I wasn't such a coward, I'd be dead by now'. He called me, asked me if I was serious to which I replied 'I'm serious about everything I say.' He wasn't to thrilled to hear that, but I said we'd talk when he got back 'Well, are you going to be there when I get back?' 'Yes, I promise not to do it' 'Good, please don't'. Hung up with him, and the arsehole made me cry as soon as I pressed the 'end' button. He gets back tonight, and I'm expecting and extremely big conversation with him when he comes over tomorrow night. I actually plan to crash tackle him with a hug when he comes into my room.

I tried to play it off yesterday with a 'I was just really upset and overreacted' speech, but he didn't take it. Oh, and just to make the whole thing with him worse, I was talking to a friend about it at work. Her Response, 'You know what I think?' 'What?' 'He likes you. Big time' 'The fuck?' 'Seriously, he does. He'd drop his girlfriend to come and see you' 'Yes, because I was sad. He was comforting me. COMFORTING ME.' Despite myself denying it, It's been on my mind all day. Anyway,I really don't think he's very happy with me. It's wonderful, another person who I seem to get to dislike me. It seems that everyone hates me, and to be honest, I kind of hate me too. (Yes, that was a quote from Easy A. Good pointing that out.) There isn't one thing I actually really like about myself, internally or externally. Not. One. Thing. When I take self portraits and post them on facebook, it's not because I love how I look, it's because I'd rather people thought I was confident, despite the burning hate I feel sometimes looking in the mirror.

I could write for so much longer, but for some stupid reason I already have two assignments that I must work on.

I'm just admitting that I've lost. I can't pretend like I have it all together anymore. I can't pretend like I'm happy, when on the inside, I'm dead.

Fucking dead.

Maybe I can be resurrected, but one can only hope that the paramedics aren't too far away.

I swear.. I'm fine.

2011-04-06T02:20:00.000-07:00

Note: I'm about to complain about my completely unimportant life. Feel free to skip. This post is pointless, I'm just expressing, I don't expect you to read.

I have absolutely no motivation to do anything anymore.

Motivation for Childcare, something I was really looking forward to. Gone.

Motivation for USA when I'm 21, something that if you knew me, I was absolutely positive was going to happen. Yep, Gone.

I'm not even excited for anything. Good Charlotte on Friday, moving next week.. It's all gone.

I'm just.. existing. I have no ambitions, no goals, no dreams. I'm just alive, and lately, I don't even have the motivation to do that.

I have absolutely no clue what I'm suppose to be doing anymore. I'm not pleasing anyone. I got my report card today. Mum said 'How bad is it?' with no humour, like she expects me to do shit. I over-heard her talking to the rest of my family tonight. 'I don't know what we're going to do about her'. It's like even my family doesn't believe in me. I shouldn't expect any different though, it's not like I believe in myself.

My friends make me feel like such a no hoper. They're all pretty, and beautiful, and wonderful, and have ambitions, dreams and wishes. They all ooze potential, and I always give up. Literally, I'm thinking now.. everything I've started, I've given up on. I don't even have one big hobby. Like, tennis, or art, or I don't know, making cards. I don't.. people ask me about my hobbies and all I can give them is the typical 'Hanging with friends, listening to music' crap. I have nothing to define me. Physically or internally. I've even been told I have no defining features that make me, me. There's a lot of people that have brown hair, green eyes, and are pretty ... not skinny. ;D Like I said before, I'm just existing. I'm not me. I'm just a person.

I SHOULD go to a councilor, but I'm not going to. I don't need help. I'm fine. I'm just whining about my pathetic life. I'm smiling. I'm happy. This is just a phase. I hope.

Please, let this only be a phase.

End Note: See? Told you that was a winy post about me. The next post I do, I swear, I'll make it happy. :D

The person behind green eyes.

2011-03-26T02:38:00.000-07:00

I realise no-one reads this, but I am actually quite enjoying having a blog. It's like.. I get to express everything, with no faces required. I'm about to talk about me. A friend, Lysy, got an assignment this term involving her to write how she became who she is today, who helped her be this person.. blah blah blah. Well, it's got me thinking.. Who am I? Really? There's a lot of things that make me, me... For now. The most important thing in that sentence. 'For now' I believe, We are never the same person. Every single day, we are someone different. Not in the sense that we become completely different human beings every time we awake. No, but each day, something about the previous day would have changed us. Whether it may be people breaking up, or a simple smile to someone whom we wouldn't previously talked to. This all changes the way we look at people, the way we think.... The way we are. In an attempt to understand myself more, I'm going to talk about myself, as of the 26th of March, 2011. First and foremost, my name is Sara. My favorite colour is blue, I was born on the 21st of November, 1995. I have one younger sister, Rachel & two older brothers, Phillip & Robert. My parents are divorced, my Dad remarried.. to someone I don't like. Here's some things that might make you understand me more, though there's alot I haven't said;

I'm a complete loner, but I can't stand to be alone. After a weekend with my 5 friends, I find myself itching to go home. To be in silence again, with just my music blaring and no-one disrupting me. I love my friends, there's nothing I wouldn't do for some of them, but I just love to be alone, as long as I know I'm not truly alone.

98% of the Time, I believe I am truly unattractive. Granted, there are days where I look in the mirror and think 'I look pretty today', but to me, all people see when they look at me is my extra fat and bad blemishes. I have turned away all of my pictures in my room multiple times, only turning them back because I don't want to have to deal with my Mum questioning me.

I'm a total bookworm, but am extremely fussy. Any book I read has to have some sort of love story in it as I'm a total romantic, but I hate when it's overbearingly mushy.

When I'm 21, Gabby & I are going to America for six months, because there's no point UNLESS you're 21. I plan to receive my Australian Tattoo from Miami Ink, and buy a cake from the shop out of 'Cake Boss'.

I also plan to visit France & Italy, basically tour around Europe aswell. I love travelling.

My Father thinks I can't own a Hummer, paid off by the time I'm 30. Yes, I'm doing that, too. I have the scenario in my head of me pulling up, & Gabby taking a picture of his priceless face. I love proving people wrong.

I seriously, honestly and whole heartedly could not live without music. It defines me. I used to be completely mainstream. I met people who weren't. They introduced me to a whole new world. My top favourites (mainstream & non-mainstream) : Paramore, Mayday Parade, Taylor Swift, Good Charlotte, & Many, many more. I love music.

I have a reeaallly bad habit of thinking up the most extravagant scenarios, then freaking out if they're tragic ones, or insulting myself for being so stupid if it's a really good one.

I do not think I will have a boyfriend for a while, not that I don't want one, but why would anyone want me? A negative person, when they could have a thinner, prettier version who's confident and positive. That's how I see it, anyway..

I like to think I'm caring, and that I'm there for my friends. I'll try and give them answers, and usually, I think I know what they need to do. I just never know what I need to do.

I hate feeling like I need help. Not in the sense of when I'm at school. I probably ask for too much help at school. If I have a problem. I'll solve it. Mum has wanted me to go to a councillor for about three-four years now, and she still brings it up. I flat out refuse. every. single. time. I feel week, like I can't do anything for myself. My problems are my problems, not everyone else's.

There have been days where I've just thought 'Fuck it' and wanted to end it all right there. I have a tendency to believe that In the end, it doesn't even matter. Nothing I do will matter, so why bother? I'm just going to be forgotten.

Shall we discuss my wants?

My Tattoos ( as of now, it could increase or decrease)

I want something to represent Australia on my left hipbone, I'd like it not to be the normal southern cross.

The words 'Make it matter' on my right rib, to the side but underneath my breast. This refers to the thing I said before about none of it matters. I think like that, doesn't mean I want to. I want this tattoo just to tell me to make everything I do matter, 'cause even though in the end, all I'm going to be is a story, I'd like it to be a good one.

Something on my shoulder blade to represent my mother, she's my rock.

An anchor on my right ankle, and a cloud behind my left ear to compliment the quote 'Keep your feet on the ground, when your heads in the clouds' from Brick By Boring Brick - Paramore.

This ones a maybe. An array of black small birds, fluttering across my forearms, starting down below on my left forearm, and ending near my wrist on my right. As I was writing this, I imagined the birds flying up my side, instead. Hmm.

I also really kinda want a side one, winding up my left from my hip to rib.

My Piercings. (As of now)

My Nose.

Another set of ear piercings, plainly beside my first ones.

My Belly button.

Maybe, my lip. MAYBE. It's more of a no now, though as I have been informed the front hole doesn't close up if I don't want it.

I reaaallllllyyyy want to die my hair red, but I refuse as alot of people are currently doing it, and I hate looking like I 'follow' the crowd. It makes me feel so.. unnatural.

I could be here for hours, but I won't, 'cause this post is long enough. I'm already expecting the one person that sometimes reads my blog to just say 'Too long, didn't read.'

If there's anything I've forgotten I'll edit it and add it in later, but for now. This, is me. I don't like me. I actually pretty much hate me, I don't know how other people actually like me, but in reality, I can only change so much & whether I like it or not, I have to live with it.

I have to live with me.

All I have is hope.

2011-03-13T03:36:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure... I'm going to have a terrible love life.

Now, I'm not overly obsessed with the idea of love. But, I do love the idea of it. To have someone that's your lover, your best friend, and your soul mate. It appeals to me a lot. I see all the elderly couples so in love, like they're 16. I truly hope I could have something at least half as good as that.

I have my reasons for thinking like this. Not one member of my family, that I know has been in a 'good' relationship.

My Great Grandma. She wasn't with anyone when I knew her, just before she died.

My Granny. She's 70 something. Not with anyone, at the moment. I'm not sure about how many previous relationships she's actually had.

My Nana. My Grandad cheated on her many times, before leaving. They hardly ever spoke since. They never legally divorced, and when I met him he had a new girlfriend, a complete bitch. A few months later he died.

My Auntie. She's had multiple relationships. Also 70 something. I think a few abused her. She's had a terrible love life.

My Uncle. Multiple relationships. Don't really associate with him.

My Other Auntie. No idea about how many relationships she's had. Not many, I don't think. She's almost 50.

My Mum and Dad.

Mum's only ever been with Dad. They were high school sweethearts. Mum thought Dad's priority was family, which is exactly why Mum liked him so much. They got married. Dad cheated on Mum. Mum took him back, because family was the most important thing to her.

He cheated on her many times in their marriage, one time causing him to get his jaw broken by an unhappy boyfriend. Didn't stop him. Dad told my brother that he even did it when they were engaged. The affair that ended the relationship went on for about five years before I knew about it. That woman is the woman he is remarried to now. I remember nearly every detail of being told that they were getting a divorce. The next day in school, I cried my eyes out. I do NOT want that to happen to my kids. The marriage my Mum and Father had wasn't particularly kind, either. Dad refused to go out to nice places, or just walk down the street with my Mum, because he was ashamed of the way she looked.

One of my brothers has just split from a long term relationship, he's 22. She's a fucking bitch. Just sayin'. Their split is so recent, he's still living there, in the spare bedroom.

My other brother lives with me. With his fiancée, and their two year old daughter. They've been split so many times it's not funny. They're relationship is the furthest from functional. She had her bags packed for the thousandth time again today, ready to leave and take my Niece away from us. Talking about their relationship could put me here for hours.. let's just say I've been there for a lot of their major fights. They'll always be in my head.

All of this doesn't give me much hope. I'm also fifteen. I've got terrible self confidence. I've never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, and never really had a 'guy friend' since last year. What a sad life I have. :P

I do hope I can have a decent relationship. Be like those amazing elderly couples I see on the street. I love seeing the way they look at each other, like they just saw each other for the first time. It gives me hope. One day, I hope I can be on the receiving end, and someone just like me can look at my amazing husband and I and have hope. 'Cause after all the shit with my families relationships; All I have is hope.

It's on the internet.

2011-03-10T04:07:00.000-08:00

Next week, I swear I'll start my diet.

I need to. I look terrible in my bridesmaid dress.
And, I need to look good for Townsville in December ;)

I can't back out of it now. It's on the internet. :)

Am I that girl?

2011-03-09T04:49:00.000-08:00

You know that girl who everyone secretly hates? That girl that everyone bitches about? That girl that tries to fit in, but just doesn’t.

I have this terrible feeling that girl… is me.

I have two groups of friends.. one at my old school, and one at my current. In neither do I feel like I truly belong. Both looks wise and personality wise. My old group is .. amazing. Both groups are. I’m so thankful to have them in my life. I always find myself feeling like I’m sitting on the outside, watching in on all the fun in our monthly get togethers. And when I do input and attempt to be part of it all, my eyes must do tricks on me, because I always think they’re just thinking ‘Ugh. Just shut up. Stop being so weird. Stop trying to fit in, you don’t.’ or something along those lines. Part of the outside feeling is my fault, I sometimes purposely sit out, making myself on the sidelines, mainly to protect myself from the rejection when someone insults me, even jokingly.. that’s how low my confidence is.

My other group has been recently sitting with a new group, and it’s not that I get told not to go with them, it’s just that the other group makes me feel like I completely don’t belong. They’re all pretty and outrageous, and I’m all… me. They like the rest of my group, so I think they just put up with me, smile and joke with me, then bitch behind my back.

I’ve had an experience where one of the groups I sat with completely abandoned me then found me alone one lunch time told me they didn’t want me to sit with them again. I went home and cried myself to sleep.

I really hope that doesn’t happen again.

I really hope I’m not that girl.

P.S; Very sorry my first post is something quite depressing, I will try to make the next one lighter J