Defeat.

The war is over, and I've lost.

I'm admitting defeat. I've beaten me. I thought I was stronger, I was overconfident. I thought I had an amazing AK-47 or the best sniper in the world that could take me. Instead, I had one of those tacky little pistols that people use when they're learning how to shoot. I was an idiot to ever think that this war was able to be won, that I could come at stronger than well.. me.

You probably don't, but do you know that sinking feeling where you realize that it's over? That feeling that you get after finally admitting to yourself that you were wrong after denying it for so long? Yeah, I now know that feeling all to well.

Everything just kind of, well.. to continue with the war analogies, exploded. Ka Boom, Bang. Just like that. I had three Deep and Meaningful's with three people in the space of 24 hours, none of them actually solving anything and as they were all about different things, everything was on my mind. I'm actually usually pretty good at varying what I'm upset about, or what I'm thinking about. But, I guess I was just kind of buried alive with my problems, and after not finding a way out. I vented to my brothers friend, who is a completely different story, but let's not get into that. He made me feel like my problems were actually important to someone and he said that if he hadn't already booked his flights down to Melbourne to see his girlfriend, then he would drop everything, even her, and come and see me straight away. He then told me on the tarmac at Melbourne that he thought of me most of the flight, and that he wishes he could be with me. I kind of told him that I'll be fine and quote 'I won't kill myself, yet. But I can say that I'm at that point where if I ever took it that far, I wouldn't care,' and that ' If I wasn't such a coward, I'd be dead by now'. He called me, asked me if I was serious to which I replied 'I'm serious about everything I say.' He wasn't to thrilled to hear that, but I said we'd talk when he got back 'Well, are you going to be there when I get back?' 'Yes, I promise not to do it' 'Good, please don't'. Hung up with him, and the arsehole made me cry as soon as I pressed the 'end' button. He gets back tonight, and I'm expecting and extremely big conversation with him when he comes over tomorrow night. I actually plan to crash tackle him with a hug when he comes into my room.

I tried to play it off yesterday with a 'I was just really upset and overreacted' speech, but he didn't take it. Oh, and just to make the whole thing with him worse, I was talking to a friend about it at work. Her Response, 'You know what I think?' 'What?' 'He likes you. Big time' 'The fuck?' 'Seriously, he does. He'd drop his girlfriend to come and see you' 'Yes, because I was sad. He was comforting me. COMFORTING ME.' Despite myself denying it, It's been on my mind all day. Anyway,I really don't think he's very happy with me. It's wonderful, another person who I seem to get to dislike me. It seems that everyone hates me, and to be honest, I kind of hate me too. (Yes, that was a quote from Easy A. Good pointing that out.) There isn't one thing I actually really like about myself, internally or externally. Not. One. Thing. When I take self portraits and post them on facebook, it's not because I love how I look, it's because I'd rather people thought I was confident, despite the burning hate I feel sometimes looking in the mirror.

I could write for so much longer, but for some stupid reason I already have two assignments that I must work on.

I'm just admitting that I've lost. I can't pretend like I have it all together anymore. I can't pretend like I'm happy, when on the inside, I'm dead.

Fucking dead.

Maybe I can be resurrected, but one can only hope that the paramedics aren't too far away.